I am nervous. The kind of nervous where you can actually feel your heart beat and the blood rush through your veins. THe kind of nervous that makes it impossible to think anything other than this horrible diagnosis. And Im angry. I'm the angriest I've been in a very long time. I think I'm going through the stages of grief, but in the wrong order. I can't decide whether I want to cry, punch something or pretend this isn't happening. EVERYTHING is setting me off. I think this is normal, but I"m not sure.
My numbers have hovered around 212-245 and I have kept completely on track with my diet. And now..now I'm nervous. I think everything has hit me all at once. I really want to crawl into a hole and forget it..forget the diabetes, the stomach problems..all of it. I want to close my eyes and make it all go away. I know that this disease is manageable, but the magnitude of it is just starting to seep into my brain and I hate it. I hate everything about it. I want to rewind time when I was able to live with what feels like a black cloud hovering over my head. I wonder if my dad felt this way. I wonder about that alot. Did I ask him how he felt? Was I there for him? I don't think I was..maybe I was..I don't know. I wasn't really worried about him, because he was the strongest man I knew..until he wasn't....and then he was gone. Is this how he felt? How come I didn't ask him? Why didn't I ask him? I should have asked him.
I think this is normal. I hope this is normal