Number have consistently been under 200 for the past week..huge deal for me. I really hope that the number keeps going down. If not, then I go on insulin. SO, not only will I keep eating healthy and exercising, but I will also try to keep positive. Honestly, I never thought that I would end up exercising again. I hate it...HATE IT. The treadmill really helps. I don't mind it too much. I just put on a dvd and walk. I always feel accomplished afterward. I'm only doing a mile at the moment, but it's still early....I have to build up my stamina.

LOVIN' THE WEEKEND!

I went to the doctor yesterday and was finally put on medication. We're starting off with oral medication which hopefully will help bring my numbers down somewhat. If not, then next month I will have to go on injectable insulin, which is not in my plan. I only lost 3 pounds in the past 3 weeks, which the doctor was pleased with..but not me..no siree..I want it fast. I am going to have to be more patient obviously. I am going out tomorrow and buying a treadmill. So, if anyone wants a good used treadmill in about 6 months, give me a call..haha. Isn't that the way it usually goes?

I spent last night with my son and his family. I had a blast with my grandsons. I love those boys..they are so silly.

GIVE ME CHOCOLATE....NOW!

Sometimes life just sucks, then other times, not so much. I am not sure what phase I'm in at the moment. I have been following "all the diabetic rules"..eating healthy, staying away from carbs and even losing weight. My numbers STILL suck. I go back to the doctor tomorrow and he'll probably put me on medication, which would make me feel alot better because I am sitting here visualizing my organs falling apart as I type this. I know, a little optimism could probably go a long way... but hey, I'm entitled to feel this way. I mean, for real, if all this watching what I eat crap isn't going to help, then give me a damn cookie and shut the hell up. I'm impatient, I accept that. Whenever I would get depressed, I , like so many of my women friends would reach for chocolate. I WANT CHOCOLATE DAMNIT. Oh well, this is my life...I will learn to deal with it.

ONE DAY AT A TIME!

Today my number was 200, down from yesterday. Maybe I'm moving in the right direction. My diet has been perfect and believe it or not my energy has been up today. All good things. I can tell however, that I am going to get real bored with the usual grilled chicken and veggies..so I need to get creative. I need fast and easy recipes. I'm used to getting take out or drive thru on work days, so this is a HUGE adjustment. I have been taking healthy snacks to work, like raw almonds, string cheese and a slice of turkey. It definitely keeps me from wanting the bad stuff. So, here's to me one more day. I think I'll pretend like this is my own AA meeting. One day at a time.

CHANGES ARE A COMIN'

The last few days I've been feeling a little better. My self loathing and depression are slowing beginning to go away. My anger, not so much. I am dealing with it. Once I get more informed I feel like I might stop being so pissed off. I have read EVERYTHING I can get my hands on. Diabetes is serious, but not the death sentence it used to be. So, now it's up to me, along with my nutritionist and doctors, to get this nasty thing under control.

My numbers haven't gone down at all even though I have changed my diet DRAMATICALLY. I am going to start the South Beach Diet within the next two days. I would do it today, but there is fruit in the house and you can't have fruit for the first two weeks on South Beach. I downloaded all the South Beach books on my Kindle and haven't stopped reading. My brain is starting to hurt. I also started writing down everything I eat along with my glucose readings and what I am feeling at the time. Life sure was a hell of a lot easier before diabetes...damn.

IT'S MY (PITY) PARTY AND I'LL CRY IF i WANT TO

I am nervous. The kind of nervous where you can actually feel your heart beat and the blood rush through your veins. THe kind of nervous that makes it impossible to think anything other than this horrible diagnosis. And Im angry. I'm the angriest I've been in a very long time. I think I'm going through the stages of grief, but in the wrong order. I can't decide whether I want to cry, punch something or pretend this isn't happening. EVERYTHING is setting me off. I think this is normal, but I"m not sure.

My numbers have hovered around 212-245 and I have kept completely on track with my diet. And now..now I'm nervous. I think everything has hit me all at once. I really want to crawl into a hole and forget it..forget the diabetes, the stomach problems..all of it. I want to close my eyes and make it all go away. I know that this disease is manageable, but the magnitude of it is just starting to seep into my brain and I hate it. I hate everything about it. I want to rewind time when I was able to live with what feels like a black cloud hovering over my head. I wonder if my dad felt this way. I wonder about that alot. Did I ask him how he felt? Was I there for him? I don't think I was..maybe I was..I don't know. I wasn't really worried about him, because he was the strongest man I knew..until he wasn't....and then he was gone. Is this how he felt? How come I didn't ask him? Why didn't I ask him? I should have asked him.

I think this is normal. I hope this is normal

DIABETES HERE I COME

It's official. I have diabetes. Type 2 to be exact. I was diagnosed two days ago and ever since my life has been turned upside down. I've gone through so many emotions in the past 48 hours from sadness, anger and denial. Denial, however, is probably the reason I'm in this position. I always knew it was a possibility. My dad had diabetes and was heavy. I've always thrown caution to the wind when it came to my own health..thinking, it will never happen to me. Now, I'm not stupid by any means, just in denial. I always figured there was alot of time to get my act together. I always thought I'd have plenty of time to start watching my weight, begin exercise and stop smoking. what a friggin' wake up call.

I have spent most of the last 48 hours checking my blood sugar and learning everything I can about this disease. I see a nutritionist in two weeks, but got rid of everything in my cabinets today. You see, I'm a carb addiot. I never realized it until now. When I was cleaning out my kitchen cabinets I couldn't believe how many things were full of carbs.

My blood sugar has been going fromn 200-363. Unacceptable. I am going to use this blog as a way to keep track of this journey which is now my new reality. I will blog what I eat, what my numbers are, what I learn and recipes that I might find interesting. Hopefully through this process I will be able to communicate with other people that are in similar situations. Here's looking at me...

My A1C was over 10 on Friday and my glucose was 219
Today it has hovered around 202..I had a spike last night at 363..(ate white rice..never again). Scared the shit out of me..called my doctor and he re-assured me that I wouldn't die in the middle of the night. I told you that I have alot to learn.

Breakfast...2 pieces of whole wheat toast with 2 eggs over easy
snack: lite string cheese
Lunch..lean turkey with provolone, lettuce, tomato, cucumber on whole wheat bread and a salad with cottage cheese
Snack..sugar free chocolate pudding cup
Dinner.. 1 cup of lightly BBQ'd keilbasa with salad and a smidge of ranch dressing'

I have had only black coffee and water to drink..

Well, this is my life..I better get used to it